Nothing is ever ‘enough’ for you.
My friend said this to me yesterday, but she isn’t the first. My Ex had emphatically expressed the same sentiment for years.
I considered the comment. Well, that’s a good position to be in… I said, unsure whether to feel critical of my demanding nature, or perhaps self-assured by it.
Don’t you think? I added.
The truth is that I don’t want to find my happiness living an ordinary life. I want seek out experiences that turn my stomach to knots. I want to take chances, to laugh wildly (if at times nervously) in the midst of uncertainty. I choose to be restless and unsatisfied. And I only hope that I may continue to passionately chase my dreams, that I may continue to dream, knowing that as long as I live I will never have experienced “enough”.
Of course, plenty of people living ordinary lives seem much happier than me. They have a Doctor they see, and a Dentist. They attend community events, and grow gardens. They have families, and foundations, and love surrounding them. They have a network of support within their communities. They celebrate holidays, and plan their vacations properly. They punctuate their calendars with exclamation points!! They feel comfortable in their homes and their careers, as they build a future.
I, on the other hand, live out of a backpack. I moved to Olympia a few months ago, where I sleep on a couch in the living room of a friend’s apartment. I’m leaving my new job in a few weeks. I feel pretty lonely because I haven’t been here long enough to make strong connections. I daydream constantly. I am constricted because I don’t have a car, and my new bike was stolen. I imbibe considerably, and complain that I’m not hiking enough. My life is very far from perfect, which is everything I need.
I can- and I will- demand more. This place is as temporary as anywhere else, because what I’m looking for isn’t a place to settle into, but rather a point to jump off from. Although it has led me on some unnerving adventures, my passion is ultimately what guides me. And I like that. I like asking my heart, Where to next?